Which of these scenarios makes you feel better about yourself: You’re at a bar with A) your uber-attractive, date-bait friend whose mere presence ignites a firestorm of sexual interest, or B) the friend who might as well be a beer-lacquered bar stool in the eyes of potential suitors?
You are totally lying if you said A.
Being around people who do better than us – whether it’s at scoring numbers on the social scene, answering questions correctly in orgo, or having futures laid out in organized little lists (ha, what a ruse) – can make us feel like total crap. Yet we continue to hang around these people. And, more importantly, to compare ourselves to them. (BTW: this never ends. The 30s redux are uber-parents who present organic snacks in fabric pouches and sew their own cloth diapers. I tell you, after a toddler playdate I think my life is in such shambles that Lindsey Lohan’s looks good in comparison.)
Why do we do this to ourselves?
Because we’re hard-wired to. Social comparisons enable us to see ourselves and to understand the value of our abilities. This is necessary and can be helpful, especially when there aren’t any objective criteria available. How else could we know if we’re a worthwhile friend or a talented writer or a good singer ? (RE: the latter – you’re not. Hasn’t American Idol taught you anything?)
The thing is that doing too much social comparing, especially in one direction, can drive us to drink, as my dad likes to say. The comparisons that tell us how badly we’re doing relative to someone else – “upward comparisons” – do have some pluses: they can make us feel like we’re part of an elite group (e.g., if I’m comparing myself to Beyonce, I must be doing something right) and they can make us want to try harder. But they can also make us feel downright cruddy.
Enter “downward comparisons.” Here we look at someone with a worse circumstance and think heck yea, I’m doing pretty good! Downward comparisons give our self-esteem and well-being a major boost.
Thing is, I feel like a total schmuck when I make downward comparisons. For instance, I’m in the children’s library the other day and there’s a young mom feeding her 1-year-old Gatorade out of a bottle and Doritos. Then she throws a puzzle (that my 2-year-old can’t yet do) at her daughter’s feet and proclaims, “She’s so lazy. She doesn’t even try.” That would have been a perfect scenario for me to make a downward comparison or two. But how crappy would it be to look at that scenario and think, Wow, I am a good mom! Go me! Ugh.
You Millennials seem to have the same hesitancy. For all the talk about your generation’s narcissism, I find you to be loathe to make downward comparisons. Oh sure, you’ll cut someone down for a bad choice (Can you believe she’s wearing those boots with those pants?). In a heartbeat. But you’re also super-attuned to social and economic disparities and you don’t seize on others’ unfortunate circumstances as an opportunity to feel good about yourselves.
Which means that you’re left making a ton of upward comparisons and very few downward comparisons. No wonder you guys feel like you’re always failing.
Michelle Kwan was awesome. Just not on the Olympic podium. Is that failure? (Photo credit: cliff1066™)
Especially since failure hinges on social comparison.
Worse yet, while there is no absolute standard for failure (even the “absolutes” that do exist – like the average score on an IQ test – are actually constantly shifting), we continually talk about failure in absolute terms. Common phrases heard in my office: “I totally failed at that interview I went to.” Or “I’m really failing in my stats class” (by which the student means getting a C). Or, most disheartening of all, “I’m failing at everything I try.”
This is stupid talk. We don’t go around saying things like, “That building is taller” or “That guy’s pecs are bigger” or “Donald Trump’s hair is scarier.” They’re meaningless statements. (Well maybe not that last one.) We were taught in the first grade to state comparisons when we use “-er” words.
The problem with failure, then, isn’t that it’s based on social comparisons, it’s that we don’t acknowledge those comparisons. We act like failure is a state of being that has no referent when in actuality it has “comparison” smeared all over it.
Put this all together, and you get Millennial Failure Pie (MFP): You’re making tons of upward comparisons, not balancing them with downward comparisons, and doing it all unconsciously. Disaster.
There are probably a million things we could do to try to address the MFP. But how about starting here: changing the way we think and talk about failure.
- Failed compared to who? For instance: “I failed at that interview.” Meaningless. “I failed at that interview compared to the person who got the job.” True. “I failed at that interview compared to the person who walked into the interview room hammered, vomited on his shoes, and then fainted.” Actually, there you kicked some butt.
- Is the comparison reasonable? For instance: I failed the SAT compared to my cousin who got a perfect score. Twice. (Yes, really.) But who didn’t?
If we thought and talked about failure in this way, it might unconsciously activate some of the downward comparisons that we need to make in order to stay psychologically healthy. And we wouldn’t feel like callous, pompous pricks while we’re doing it.
Then maybe we could hang out with our gorgeous BFF, our I-could-calculate-the-molecular-weight-of-plutonium-without-trying classmate, and our has-it-all-together friend and not feel as crappy as Taylor Swift’s latest ex. We’ll just feel like us. Which is more than enough.
Dealing with this very issue in my journaling this morning!
Wow, same brainwave. I wasn’t even planning to cover this topic today…!
BTW, any insights? Would love to hear them.
Well, I guess with comparisons I’ve been making in my own life, being/doing better or worse is so subjective. In the big scheme of things, everyone has something to offer. I’m a success if I’m pursuing authenticity.
This speaks such volumes to me. I am constantly putting myself down, thinking that everything I try, I fail. I also feel like a complete a hole if I rejoice when I compare myself to someone I may look pretty shiny next to. Where does that that come from? Is it ingrained in us to judge only ourselves? I know in my case, my mother constantly enforces not judging those who are comparatively unsuccsessful, but will compare me to those who are more successful, and ask me why I’m not “like them.”
It’s a really good question where these comparison inclinations come from. I mean, we know that everyone makes them and they’ve been noted as long as psychology has been a field of study. But the shift to solely comparing to those who are more successful, I think that’s really a generational shift, and I’d guess it’s largely caused by environment (i.e., parents, teachers, media). It would be interesting to dig into this question further. I mean, why did the environmental pressure shift?
It’s a key question because I strongly believe that this “I’m not good enough” tendency is eroding the bedrock of the Gen Yers’ sense of self, causing a lot of the lost feelings surrounding the “quarterlife crisis.” If you have any thoughts on where it comes from, I’m all ears! Thanks for writing.
I can relate, especially now when all my college peers are starting to get those really awesome jobs that they always dreamed of and I’m over here doodling and trying to figure out who I am. I guess I wont look it as so much as a failure, but as a Devine timing sort of thing lol. I am where I’m supposed to be, maybe… I don’t know. Great post
It’s timing alright, Raimy. At the point when YOU know precisely who you are, what your purpose is, and how you’re pursuing that purpose on a daily basis, your friends will be just realizing that they never took the time to fully figure any of that out, and they’ll be grappling. Believe me, I’ve seen it time and again. The time to search is now, not later. You’re right on track!
Came you point out a moment in time or generation, where there wasn’t comparison, judging, resentment, etc.? These thoughts are beyond time and are very much learned behavior. The way beyond this is very simple, yet because it is so simple, most dismiss it. And that is to not see yourself as separate or only a ‘body’. Bodies (the ego) compares, whereas minds connect. Learn to see yourself not as a body, and you will release all that you are not.
Great point Ryan. This makes me think of a terrific recent post by one your “classmates,” Raimy: http://creative-guru.com/2013/03/01/if-im-not-who-i-think-i-am-then-who-the-hell-am-i/ I agree that social comparisons have ALWAYS been present. I do believe they have become more detrimental/toxic in recent generations, though. This meshes with your comment since many people argue that our egos have grown over the course of modern history. Interesting perspective on this topic. Thanks for writing!
Such a great topic. I constantly feel myself pointing out my failures in comparison to others’ successes. Then, I’ll also compare myself to other writers, for example, and end up questioning my abilities. Our sense of self is very often hinged upon these comparisons, though I very much wish they weren’t. It’s a practice of mine, to pull back on the reigns when I feel myself going through the motions of comparison. I think you make a great point that there needs to be some sort of balance in order to psychologically be okay. I also feel that generations have moved toward individualism, much more than in the past (especially with social media and technology), which has caused an increase in these comparisons.
Excellent point: the rise of social media has to be causing at least some of our destructive tendencies, doesn’t it? It is easier than ever to make social comparisons since everyone’s “lives” are constantly tweeted and “status-updated” in our faces. [Of course, they're not anyone's REAL lives; my friend Allie privately messaged me about this post and reminded me about the image that circulated about a year ago about Facebook statuses being highlight reels (http://www.dennisselisseth.com/why-we-struggle-with-insecurity/). Which makes social comparisons that much more complicated than they used to be!] Great to have you here, as always!
Nicely written article about something we all struggle with, from time to time.
Thank you! I appreciate the kind words. How do you manage social comparisons for yourself, at the moments when you struggle with them? I am all ears on strategies!
LOVE this, Rebecca! It’s funny, right on point, and offers meaningful strategies for avoiding a pretty hideous pit that most of us visit even if we don’t live there. Thanks!
Thank you so much, Anna. And for reblogging, too (with such a warm and unearned testimonial about me, to boot). Means more than I could say.
Reblogged this on On Crafting a Life and commented:
This helpful and engaging take on the rhetoric of failure seems like a useful addition to this blog! Rebecca Fraser-Thill, brilliant writer, scholar, teacher, patent, and human posted this today on her very smart, very funny blog careeravoidance101. Check it out.
Okay, I love this so much I reblogged it at oncraftingalife.com. I sing your praises! (and since I’m doing this from my phone, I can’t see how to live link, so I’ll fix that later…let me know if there is other attribution or anything you’d like to see!)
I see what you did there, with the Donald Trump hair analogy. I can see my horrible, horrible influence slowly seeping into this class. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!
But, back to being a responsible student (and I am SO digging this class more and more each post, BTW), I’ve become pretty hyper-aware of the extent to which I compare myself to others. Though, usually I find it’s comparing myself aesthetically or socially. I think, when it comes to lifestyle and career, I have so many downward comparisons available at my disposal that my concern is less about not looking good to other people than about letting myself down or starving to death. Of course, this is all perception, too. The downward comparisons I make are to the people I went to high school with who never left Montana (some haven’t left our tiny hometown), which is a slightly arrogant comparison to make if they’re happy with their lives; or to members of my family who never went to college or never finished, or my cousin who got preggers when she was 19.
Comparisonitis is an unruly monkey to carry on your back, and maybe I should be glad that it seems like my problems have more to do with me. So, it’s Lailah vs. Lailah, a one-time pay-per-view special! Taking all bets!
How is it possible that even your comments are funny?! And yet have substance? Quite the combo! One would indeed predict that with so many downward comparisons available, you’d be feeling sky high about yourself. I love the point you raise that you don’t feel terrific (or at least, not fully terrific) because we have so many different domains in our lives. That’s so true. Even if we are satisfied with our ability relative to others in one domain, we can still feel like we’re a real load of junk in another domain. That strongly resonates with me. That explains why my mom insecurities seem to rule the day any more, even though in other domains of my life I feel reasonably strong. Terrific insight. You are a responsible student indeed!
And RE: the Donald Trump rib, you and I have a very similar sense of humor. It is rather frightening, in fact, when I read your blog and see how similar it is!
Great post. I completely relate, unfortunately I compare to myself to everyone around me as most women do. My bf is always telling me that my standards are far too high, which is why I always feel let down by people. However, the highest bar I set is for myself.
You bring up an issue that I wanted to insert in this post but never found a good place to put it (I literally cut and paste the same sentence five times…then cut it for good). That being that women are much more likely than men to make upward comparisons. Studies have shown that time and again. It’s a real issue. I wish I could figure out how to address it. Thanks for writing – and for resurrecting my lost sentence!
Such a great, thoughtful and thought-provoking post! Also, “Donald Trump’s hair is scarier” made me spit with laughter. So thanks for that.
My pleasure. I enjoy making people spit, and am always pleased when it’s not with disgust. Thanks for reading, and for making the time to comment. I’m having a great time reading your blog!
Regardless of how hard I try, I think the comparing scenario will stick with me in my coming years. It’s like basic judgement once you meet a stranger. Personally, I compare by looking at the shoes. I think the shoes says a lot about someone. For example, clean-polished dress shoes tells me you’re a motivated person looking to conquer the world. While a pair of filthy toms may say you’ve been struggling financially for some time.
This is why I do my best to keep a clean pair of shoes on the whole time. But I think this can be detrimental to me in ways because I do it to cover up my ‘downward comparison’ habits. Am I on a power trip?
I once heard a great writer say, that the only comparison one should do, is becoming a better version of yourself. When you addressed that we do a ton of upward comparisons and not engage in the downward comparisons, I whole-heartedly believe this cuts down on one’s sense of self. We don’t rationalize the things that we could be quite crafty at and only look at the things someone is better than us at. Identifying oneself to failure is like eating rat poison covered in peanut butter. It’s easy to eat, but hard to ingest.
Again, what an insightful post Becca!
“Like eating rat poison covered in peanut butter” – love it! I also agree that the only comparison, ideally, should be against ourselves. That’s why I enjoyed taking up running a number of years ago. It’s all about Personal Records and beating yourself. I am a slow runner, but I always had a challenge against myself, and felt good about me at the end of it all. It was ideal. I’ve tried to extend this attitude to my life but, as you said, comparisons are hard to shake!
And I’m so glad you haven’t met me in person….uh, my shoes, not so good. I don’t even NOTICE other people’s shoes, so I tend to be very utilitarian about footwear; whatever is nearby gets thrown on! It’s fascinating to consider how different we all are about how and why we make judgments and comparisons.
As usual, great post!! As much as it totally sucks that we do this to ourselves, I have to say that it’s great to reminded that we all do it! We are all suckers! Lol. No really though, it’s somehow a good thing to remember that while we’re saying to ourselves, “there goes Jenny being all awesome and perfect again & I’ve already got a damn run in my pantyhose & it isn’t even lunch!” to remember that Jenny is probably thinking about how much she resents Amanda’s higher education/bigger boobs/whiter teeth or whatever Jenny frets about. Is anybody just satisfied?! I find that simply listing things I’m grateful for each day helps. Just to remind myself at the start of the day that I have some awesomeness going on in this life life of mine or in this package that is ‘me’ really goes along way.
Gratefulness is a great antidote indeed. Thanks for the comment, Dara, and for the laughs about the pantyhose and the bigger boobs!
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